Feb. 2, 2006

Captain’s log: mE! True Hollywood Story

By Capt. JON MOFFETT
jrm001@marietta.edu

Disclaimer: The following views are solely those of the highly opinionated Jon Moffett and are not necessarily shared by the other staff of the Marcolian. These views are not intended to insult or offend anyone, but are merely intended to spark debate and/or discussion among the student body.

If there’s one place on Earth where you can be the biggest snob in the world, pretend you’re someone you’re not, or just live the life of a movie star, look no further than the wonderful world of Hollywood.

It’s no secret that celebrities live the lives that many of us can only dream of.  But you know what, from what I’ve read or heard, I’m not so sure that I want to walk in their highly expensive Gucci shoes.  Thus, I have compiled a list of celebrities that I don’t feel are worthy enough to experience the glitz and glamour.  Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen--the “A” list:

Would someone please tell Melissa Rivers to unplug her nose whenever she talks?  She honestly sounds like someone punched her in the face and broke her nose, and now she sounds like Kermit the Frog.

While we’re on that family, Joan Rivers needs to either die or retire, whichever comes easier.  Since she’s been around since 1824, I would assume she’s on her way out anyway.
Note to Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan: your 15 minutes of fame expired ten years ago. The Disney Channel called, and they want you to grow up now.  You’ve become sex symbols now, and to try and associate sex with Mickey Mouse is just plain wrong.

I recently read that Reese Witherspoon is upset that she wore a dress to some awards ceremony that another celeb had worn 3 years earlier.  Well, tell that to the thousands of troops who came home wearing the same thing--an American flag.  If that’s ALL you worry about, you live a pretty easy life.

So, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are expecting a child.  Brad Pitt officially becomes the luckiest man in the world and gets the title of the “Womb Raider.”

Ashton Kutcher--dude, I don’t know where your car is, and no I’m not Punk’ing you, just remove yourself from existence.  The only reason you have a job anywhere is because you’re married to a 40-year-old who played a stripper once.

Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal are starring in a movie about gay cowboys called “Brokeback Mountain?” I guess that brings new meaning to Tim McGraw’s song “The Cowboy in Me.”

Michael Jackson slept with children, period.  I don’t care what the courts say, or how many witnesses disagreed with the fact.  Kids like shiny things, so they’re of course drawn to his plastic face.  He’ll probably go after Lohan and Duff next.

So, there you have it, people: the first tier of the many celebrities who need a reality check.  Sometimes it’s fun to sit back and laugh at the celebrities who deserve it. 
Right before we go back to wishing we were them.