March 24, 2006

Captain’s log: Drop in temperature, rise in costs

By CAPT. JON MOFFETT
jrm001@marietta.edu

Disclaimer: The following views are solely those of the highly opinionated Jon Moffett and are not necessarily shared by the other staff of the Marcolian. These views are not intended to insult or offend anyone, but are merely intended to spark debate and/or discussion among the student body.

Hello to all my loyal readers. Let me just start off by thanking the dozen of you who actually read my column. I truly hope that you all enjoyed spring break, which didn't seem quite long enough to me, and are all just so excited to be back. Off the record, who almost died of shock when they got back? We go from the beach where it's sunny and awesome, to snow in Marietta. Thank goodness it's spring though, or else that would make sense.

Surprise surprise. It seems that yet again, the tuition for Marietta College has once more gone up. Now, I'm not saying that the school is at fault, because I don't know how all of the spending goes down. However, I do know that when the price for learning goes up, it certainly puts a little more strain on my personal financial situation. Money doesn't grow on trees people, because if it did, everyone would be dead. This is because everyone would pick the money from the trees, which would in turn kill them, which would stop producing the vital oxygen we breathe, and we would all suffocate, but that's beside the point.

But I'll do one better. Instead of just complaining about the rising tuition, which I believe is now $30,800, I will give the school suggestions on how to better spend the precious money they get in order to keep tuition at a manageable level.
o Turn off the heat in buildings: Or at least McCoy. I live in McCoy, and to my surprise I cannot access the air conditioner in the cold months. So, even with the thermostat set on 50, it's always 190 degrees in my room. I guarantee that if they were to turn the heat off, my room alone could heat the entire building for a month.

o Drop any and all math programs: This is just a personal vendetta. I don't like math. It's evil and I hate it.

o Refuse the new library: If these Dyson/Baudo people really loved the school, they'd simply donate the money to be used as we see fit. Instead, they give guidelines about what their money HAS to be used for. As much of a positive addition it would be, it's not necessary. And although tuition won't go toward the building of the library, you can almost guarantee that it will go toward it's maintenance.

o Don't send every student every e-mail: Sure this might not cost anything, but man is it annoying. I can't tell you how many “Attention Petro Majors” or “Attention everyone who lives in Colorado” or “Attention everyone born at exactly 4:28” e-mails I get weekly. It's annoying.

o Paper, paper…money, money: Credit this to the philosopher Joshua Thrash: “Instead of sending out TWO sheets papers saying that tuition was going up, it would've saved thousands of pieces of paper, and money, to just put it on the front and back of ONE sheet of paper.”

There you have it ladies and gentlemen. The surefire way to have our expenses go down, and our revenues skyrocket. Go, spend well.