March 31, 2006

Doo Dah Day tradition comes to an end

By LOREN GENSON
gensonl@marietta.edu

With both tears and cheers, Doo Dah Day, the daylong party that has become a tradition at Marietta College, has been permanently cancelled. The main reason for the cancellation is the much-anticipated decision by “college officials” to make Marietta College a dry campus.

Some Student Senate members, when told about the decision before it was officially announced, actually broke down in tears. Some faculty were seen cheering after the announcement.

“I’m devastated. All my friends from home were coming and we planned to drink and party for 72 straight hours,” said one Student Senator, who asked to remain anonymous.

“I can now assign term papers for that weekend and my students will spend the weekend doing them,” one Communication and Media Studies faculty member said.
After reporting they took a “comprehensive” survey of the student body, college officials have determined that most students would prefer a dry campus, since most prefer to participate in academic activities not involving alcohol.

“My friends and I live in Parsons and we think that the drinking gets in the way of a good game of juice pong,” explains sophomore Mary Pauly. Mary says she relies on her juice pong to keep her well hydrated and healthy during the week, but the few people that choose to drink always ruin their evenings.

“We always have a nice time playing our game and drinking our apple juice,” MacDonald continued, “but there are always a few people that feel the need to get drunk and ruin everyone else’s night. I’m sure nobody will miss the drinking or parties at Parsons Hall.”

Students are expected to organize a rally on the mall, possibly tomorrow, to celebrate the administration’s decision to remove alcohol from Marietta College. One student said he believes the new policy is not a surprise given the numerous cultural offerings in Marietta.

“There’s just so much to do here besides drink on the weekends,” said junior Westin Monroe. “We have all the shows and shopping downtown, in addition to all the fine restaurants, and local sporting events. And of course, there’s our academic studies.”

Although most students celebrated the new policy, some were upset with the decision. Although the student body is primarily made up of non-drinkers, a few in the minority felt that the policy was unfair.

“I think its bullshit that the administration can say we can’t drink,” said senior Bailey McGuinness. “From my first hour as a freshman here, I’ve had alcohol whenever I wanted it and whenever I needed it.” McGuinness says he feels the new policy violates his right as a 21 year old student. “It’s just bogus.”
“I just drink with my friends, play some beer pong, or kings and then head to the bar,” McGuinness said. “I don’t see what’s wrong with that, just because most people don’t drink here.”
A spokesman from the President’s office issued a statement explaining the new policy and defending the administrations actions.

“I know most of you applaud the new policy, but I’d like to take a minute and speak to those of you on campus who indulge from time to time in a drink. I’ll begin with a quote from the American Issue, a pro-prohibition newspaper published during the prohibition:

‘Yes, deliverance will come, but it will be from the sober and august Anglo-Saxon south, unspoiled and unpoisoned by the wine-tinted, beer-sodden, whisky-crazed, Sabbath-desecrating, God-defying and anarchy-breeding and practicing minions from over the sea.’

“This policy change will be the first step towards a deliverance from the evils and vices of alcohol.”

Student Senator Allie Douglass says she agrees with the President’s spokesman, and holds George W. Bush up as an example of sober leadership.

“I don’t see how we can say we try to value leadership at Marietta College when we allow it to remain flooded with alcohol,” Douglass said. “A dry campus will benefit everyone and make us all better leaders. Our current President, George Bush, is an excellent example of successful leadership, and he’s NEVER touched drugs or drank alcohol. He has also never driven drunk like so many students do here each year. He’s led America towards a brighter future and the new alcohol policy will lead our students to a brighter future.”

So for now, it seems Marietta will be a dry campus, free from liquor, beer and wine; this change marking the end of an era for Marietta, and the beginning of a new stronger future.
Admissions office officials are delighted by the policy and have been quick to remind everyone of the positive impact the new policy will have on enrollment at MC. High school seniors in the US today, they say, have been clamoring for more dry college campuses.

Predictions of high enrollment have been flooding the admissions office even since the decision was announced yesterday. Admissions workers suspect high school seniors have been flooding the office with applications because word of the new policy was obviously leaked. And according to Allie Douglass that spike in admissions is proof of a job well done.

“We’re so excited that our change has had a positive effect on the student body and enrollment,” Douglass said. “It proves we’re onto something big here, and nobody will be sad to see a pathetic tradition like Doo Dah Day come to an end.”

And by the way, APRIL FOOLS!