April 21 , 2006

A movie so gratuitously bad, it’s good?

By JEREMY KOPP and PHILIP LEMASTER
koppj@marietta.edu and pcl001@marietta.edu

Jeremy: ‘Basic Instinct 2’ opens with Catherine Tramell (Sharon Stone) racing through the streets of London in a very fast car at nearly 100 mph while pleasuring herself with the hand of a drugged soccer star in the passenger’s seat. She becomes so ecstatic that she barrels through an electronic billboard (which, judging by the explosion, must have been full of dynamite) and into a lake. If only the rest of this movie could have been as outrageous. Unfortunately, director Michael Caton-Jones actually believes that we’re there for the story rather than to see how well Ms. Stone has aged since the last time she flashed her hoo-haw in the original ‘Basic Instinct’ 11 years ago.

I never saw the original film (in fact, I wouldn’t have seen this one, either, had ‘V for Vendetta’ been screening at a time convenient for both my and Philip’s schedule), but even if I had, I wouldn’t bother with a recap, because I don’t want to spend too much time on the plot. It’s irresponsibly implausible and impossible to take seriously. In a nutshell, Tramell is a trashy novelist who commits murder and engages in various sex acts as “research” for her novels. After her car accident, Dr. Michael Glass (David Morrissey) determines that Tramell has a “risk addiction” (a very technical medical term) that’s so intense, the only limit would be her own death. Tramell and Glass equally fascinate one another, but for different reasons. Soon, acquaintances of both Tramell and Glass start dying, and all of the clues lead back to Glass.

Whatever. The plot lost my interest 20 minutes into the film; it was the dialogue – particularly Glass and Tramell’s oh-so-witty repartee – that held my attention. You can’t find lines this good in a porno; “Even Oedipus didn’t see his mother coming.” And the sex scenes are so unnecessarily explicit, they’re funny (though the old man sitting in front of us who thought that he’d spend bonding time with his 12-year-old son by taking him to this movie and whispering into his ear after every sex romp made them kind of creepy).

Stone is awful, but so melodramatic and over-the-top, it’s entertaining. Whereas the first film featured Michael Douglas, the one stars a no name (Morrissey), who is dry, emotionless and just plain dreadful to watch. But watching Morrissey is all that the movie really has us do…for nearly two hours.
This is one of the worst movies I’ve seen in awhile, but because it had me laughing so hard every so often, I’m giving it two stars. Most of the movie is just stupid and boring. Stone said she’d continue the ‘Basic Instinct’ movies as long as men found her sexy. Please, men, let’s stop finding her sexy.

Philip: If I were to describe ‘Basic Instinct 2’ in one word, it would be “speechless.” I wasn’t awestruck by the movie; I was just unable to talk because I was LOL/LMAO/ROFLing during the whole movie. ‘BI2’ retains Sharon Stone as Catherine Tramell from the original, and when people around her start dying, the police and her therapist (David Morrissey) investigate. From the hilariously absurd opening scene, you know the movie is worth the ticket price.

Everything about ‘BI2’ is gratuitous, from its nudity, sex, and violence, to its very existence in the first place. What saves the film is its self-awareness. It parodies itself and contains some of the worst (best?) dialogue in film history. Example: Catherine and a drugged soccer player are riding in her car, and he remarks that he can’t move due to his intoxicated state. She responds, “You don’t have to; you’re in a car.” Another winning line involves a double entendre about Oedipus.

‘BI2’ joins the ranks of ‘Showgirls’ as a movie so bad that it’s good. Sharon Stone has already confirmed a third installment, and I cannot wait for another sleazy mess. Go see the film; it’s sure to be the most fun you’ll have this year next to Doo Dah Day