Mar. 1 , 2007

Captain’s Log: If I did it...
Jon Moffett
jrm001@marietta.edu

If a tree falls in the woods, but no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? If Anna Nicole Smith overdoses on Trimspa and is too stoned to comprehend what’s going on, does anyone feel sorry for her?

These are the pressing questions that we have to deal with in our everyday lives. But one question that has never been posed to me is, “If you had to describe how you killed your wife and her lover, how would you do it?”

O.J. ‘Orange Juice’ Simpson recently was forced to pull the plug on a book project of his where he ‘hypothetically’ told in detail how he’d kill his ex-wife Nicole Simpson and her lover. Good call on putting your admission, err, book on the back burner for now, Juice; probably a good move on your part.

Now, I’ve never written an article about O.J. Simpson and the murder trial the capture the entire mindset of the 1990’s, but if I did, this is how I’d do it...

First, IF I were to write a story about the O.J. Simpson scandal, I’d probably start by touching on his past. O.J. Simpson was one of the most physically dominant players in the NFL. His induction into the Hall of Fame in 1985 proves this. You’d think that a player of his caliber and magnitude wouldn’t have a problem just living his life off of the millions he made during his career. You’d think that, but you’d be wrong.

Then, I might talk about how no matter how many years pass, everyone who was alive before 1990 remembers the infamous ‘White Bronco chase’ and the aftermath of when they finally caught up with the Juice.

After that, I would, hypothetically of course, talk about how it’s sad that all the evidence in the world couldn’t convict that man because of his fame.

I’d probably even go as far as to mention how it’s sad that it seems like celebrities all get a free pass for pretty much anything they want to do. I’d probably then touch, no pun intended, on how Michael Jackson is probably the most disturbed human being walking God’s green Earth, and it’s even more sad that no one could prove to a jury that he was sexually active with children. In all honesty, it doesn’t really matter if he did anything with those kids or not; he should be locked away because he’s a freak and needs serious mental help.
Then I could delve into the world of the Four Whores (Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Nicole Ritchie) who at any given point are totally engulfing the covers of every single magazine on newsstands.

I may talk about how celebrities make me sick. I may talk about how I think that with fame comes an incredible amount of freedom and a bulletproof mentality. I might even talk about how it must be nice to be able to do whatever you wanted at any time with no fear of consequences or punishment.

I might talk about that. That is, of course, if I ever were to write about celebrities and why I dislike them. If only I were to do that.