Mar. 1 , 2007

Phil in the blank
Philip Lemaster
pcl001@marietta.edu

Whereas most weeknights in Marietta are about as lifeless as Anna Nicole’s corpse, Thursday evenings certainly prove to be much more alive. While this day is celebrated by many college students as the hallowed night of Grey’s Anatomy, many others also consider it the start of the weekend. So, of course, in the interest of investigative journalism, I decided to investigate the sparse yet glamorous attractions our town has to offer, and where else better to start than the Brewery, the most premiere hot spot of them all. As I approached this unbridled den of decadence, I couldn’t help but notice a slew of Marietta’s A-List gathered outside in a red carpet affair. The first student I see, Joe Ropp, confessed that he, too, could be the father of Anna Nicole’s child. Also outside was Sotiria Anagnostou, sporting a hot corduroy jacket fresh from the runway and showing off her stylish new hairdo that would have made even the most experienced of stylists fall to his/her knees in reverence. After getting a glimpse of the celebrities outside, I finally made my way inside the door and let the festivities begin.

Sauntering to the front of the bar, I saw a group of Marietta’s posh elite gathered around Rita Soworowski belting out a stirring rendition of Britney Spears’s “I’m A Slave 4 U” in honor of Ms. Spears’s recent nervous breakdown. Also in attendance was Emily Siders, fending off a Jerry Garcia look-alike trying to seduce her with an ode to Bon Jovi. While the Grateful Dead impersonator gave love a bad name, others were living on a prayer as Emily Shuba counseled Alison Paytosh on how to set drama starters in their place. Soon after, Christa Dunlevy burst onto the scene looking fabulous to celebrate her birthday, and Delta Tau Delta president Nick Aylward flaunted his status by being dropped off in a limousine. At this point, I got a call from my agent who alerted me to the fact that I needed to get back to my Dorothy Webster penthouse to study for the following day’s strenuous exams. As I meandered through the crowds to leave, I couldn’t help but smile thinking about my fun night out in Marietta, and then suddenly I laughed as it hit me that Britney Spears’ scalp now looks remarkably similar to the head from the Scattergories box.

Are you posher than Victoria Beckham or more scandalous than Harry Potter going nude for Equus? If so, cross my path and get mentioned in my next column. Until then, I’ll leave you with a quotation I’ve retooled from my main man Jesus—“No one comes to the fodder except through me!”