March 22, 2007

Phil in the Blank
Philip Lemaster
pcl001@marietta.edu

Within the past few months, it seems as if everybody who is anybody has entered rehab. Lindsay Lohan jumpstarted the trend with her month-long stint for an alcohol problem, and soon after, Britney Spears went crazy on the whole world, entering and exiting rehab multiple times before finally deciding to get clean of her substance problems. Even C-Listers like fashion designer Marc Jacobs and nobodies like Mischa Barton’s little sister are jumping on the bandwagon to get a share of the spotlight. Hell, Robbie Williams even checked himself into rehab on his birthday for prescription drug problems. What a birthday present!

Like Hollywood, Marietta College is also home to many students with dirty little secrets. Unfortunately, Britney, Lindsay, and Robbie haven’t prompted any of Marietta’s many afflicted residents to give up their habits and enter rehab. China’s most famous citizen (next to Jackie Chan), Marietta’s own Tianqi Jin reluctantly admits his own addiction to McDonald’s sweet tea. Without a nightly fix, Tianqi cannot concentrate on his homework or fall asleep.  Without the substance, he weeps in despair and writhes in agony, a scene not too far removed from the cult classic Requiem for a Dream.

Christiana Hilditch, on the other hand, recently admitted her addiction to air mattresses.  What started as a casual nap on her blow-up bed rapidly morphed into a full-blown dependence. Now, without her air mattress, Christiana has entered withdrawal, sweating and shaking, with bags under her eyes that even Nicole Richie would be ashamed of.

Perhaps the saddest story of addiction on the Marietta campus is mine. In this Marcolian exclusive, I admit that I am addicted to Wikipedia, celebrity gossip blogs, and Ugly Betty. A few weeks ago, the campus-wide power outage forced me to give up my electronic addictions for a few days, and I quickly began the downward spiral into withdrawal. Luckily, my mind, body, and soul did not blow up like the transformer behind Hermann; soon, the power came back on, and I could happily indulge my cravings without restraint.  Marietta, we’ve got a substance abuse problem.  Can’t we just follow Britney’s lead and get ourselves some help? Until next time, remember that fame comes at a cost, but so does a hooker.