Sept. 22, 2005

‘Cry_Wolf’ is one buddy you should block

BY JEREMY KOPP AND PHILIP LEMASTER
koppj@marietta.edu and pcl001@marietta.edu
‘Cry_Wolf’s politically correct group of clichéd, teen-movie characters (the comic relief, the punk with face piercings, an African-American, an Asian, etc.) spread rumors via Internet claiming a serial killer dubbed “the Wolf” is loose on the Westlake Preparatory Academy’s campus, all masterminded by the campus queen, Dodger (Lindy Booth), and the transfer student, Owen (Julian Morris). Only Professor Walker (Jon Bon Jovi) suspects a hoax…until people start dying.

Because Instant Messenger was featured so prominently throughout the film, Jeremy (Cambot5k) and Philip (hardcorecucumber) chose to review
‘Cry_Wolf’ via AIM.

hardcorecucumber: Hey Jeremy, what did you think of the movie?
Cambot5k: We could have seen ‘Lord of War.’ This is the worst movie I’ve
seen all year.

hardcorecucumber: LOL It was worse than a really bad ‘Goosebumps’ book. It’s bound for the Wal-Mart bargain bin with ‘Cruel Intentions 3.’

Cambot5k: It was so predictable, and it refused to end. No one even died until an hour into the movie.

hardcorecucumber: The best part was when the woman in front of us yelled at me to stop laughing.

Cambot5k: Well, you were laughing at an IM that read ‘I’M GOING TO PICK APART YOUR BONES LIKE THAT BLEACHED BLONDE SLUT!’

hardcorecucumber: (gasp) But there was a bloody tongue ring on my computer!

Cambot5k: The movie was very ‘PG-13,’ which made it all the less scary. Sure, there was blood, but it was bleached out with gritty camerawork.

hardcorecucumber: ‘The Devil’s Rejects’ looked better, and that’s not a good thing.

Cambot5k: It took itself way too seriously; it was dumb and tried to convince us otherwise. The plot holes were blatantly obvious, and the story was so ridiculously far-fetched.

hardcorecucumber: WTF ‘Radiohead’ desktop wallpaper, and ‘Sonic Youth’ posters hanging in the dorms? It did try way too hard.

Cambot5k: Bon Jovi didn’t try hard enough.

hardcorecucumber: Yeah, Bon Jovi’s livin’ on a prayer.

Cambot5k: The chase/action sequences didn’t make sense.

hardcorecucumber: Yeah, like the kid hiding behind the rack of bread while being chased by the Wolf, instead of running out of the open door that was only a few feet away.

Cambot5k: That was just after the softcore lesbian make-out scene that really excited the junior high kids sitting across from us.

hardcorecucumber: The film was made because Pepsi sponsored it. There was a can in every scene. Even when they took out the trash, Pepsi cans were
falling out of the Hefty trash bags.

Cambot5k: I really don’t want anyone to see this movie. SPOILER ALERT: Dodger orchestrated everything: she tricked Owen into killing Bon Jovi
(Dodger and Bon Jovi had been seeing each other but Bon Jovi had cheated on her). There, I ruined everything. Don’t go see it.
hardcorecucumber: It tried way too hard to preach to its middle school audience.
It didn’t make me “cry wolf,” it just made me cry.

CRY_WOLF
Directed by
Jeff Wadlow
Starring
Julian Morris as Owen
Lindy Booth as Dodger
Jared Padalecki as Tom
Jon Bonn Jovi as Rick Walker
MPAA: Rated PG-13 for violence, terror, disturbing images, language, sexuality and a brief
drug reference.
Runtime: 90 min.